Monday, March 14, 2011

Helena Bone-Ham Carter's Dream Outfit...

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Thank London for Helena Bonham Carter. She is soooo the Hollywood version of the Bird Lady from Mary Poppins...minus the aggravating fact that Mary Poppins is already a Hollywood film.

 Crap, well for the sake of metaphor, Imagine Mary Poppins as a America's Most Wanted segment that is then re-enacted with Hollywood actors. In that case, Helena Bonham Carter would most definitely play the Bird Lady from Mary Poppins.

Here is Hollywood's rational for casting her as The Bird Lady: Helena is a bit less homeless looking then the actual Bird Lady and Hollywood executives know if there is one thing us Americans can't stand it is forced eye contact with another Homeless person.

God, help me, I am so sick of trying to make beautiful, karmic, soul sharing eye contact with a homeless person, only to have them crow out, "Spare some change?" Can't they see they are ruining our would be transcendental human connection with their desperation?!

 Trashcan Tom, we could have been equals! We could have played Frisbee in the park and gone Dutch on lunch at the Cheesecake Factory but nooooo someone had to make me feel superior by begging for food and shelter. 

Aye,ye,ye were is the spirit of selfless camaraderie in this country?

That is why I prefer my Homeless Bag People, Hollywoodified. Represented equally by The Olson Twins and... Helena Bonham Carter.

Ahhh, Helena, she did all the right things. She was a beautiful woman who married a gawky nerd with a lot of power and money who doesn't care if she wears trash bags as bonnets, Styrofoam cups as underwear or uses rotting banana peels as makeshift condoms.

I've personally spotted Helena wearing Dolphin flippers as household slippers and discarded toilet seat covers as bathing caps. She totally pulls it off. Mostly because she is the perfect size of plump. 

It's an age old truth that plump women can get away with almost anything because most people are too distracted trying to imagine their faces twenty pounds lighter. I have seen plump girls steal babies right off of a mom's breasts and smuggle illegal immigrants across the border under the protection of nothing more than a false mustache.

Helena gives us hope of another option. We don't have to watch our carbs or wash our underwear. We can weave whole subway sandwiches into our hair and use our dirty underwear as an eccentric scarf.

Why drop 5,000 dollars on a couture hat, when you can steal a Macaw Parrot from the local zoo and have it perched lopsided on your head shitting white goo drops into your eyes all night? Fashion is risk and nothing says risk like contracting rabbis from the still wailing feral cat you wore around your neck as a shawl.

Helena, homeless or hipster? You are oh so Dumpster Diver Chic!!!

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