Thursday, April 7, 2011

Is TV the Antichrist?

IMAGE: Kill Your T.V. by Heather Rushworth

This is a picture I drew on a post-it, of an infant watching his favorite television show.

Is it just me, or are TV's and Satan a lot alike? Actually, the television like Satan, has many redeeming qualities. For one, they both make awesome babysitters.

Maybe I am alone here, but whenever given sole-responsibility of a child, I hand the kid straight over to the supervision of Uncle Television Set.

Because chances are, the void-box will do a much better job than me at keeping the attentionally-retarded (new scientific term?) kid interested, if not fascinated. Which is very helpful when aiming to not have the kid stick his hand in a pot full of boiling water, or drop an axe on his brother's head, or start a child drug cartel that smuggles boatloads of crack cocaine over the international equator. Which are all actual things that have happened to me, while I was "supervising" children on my babysitting watch.

By "supervising" children I mean watching television myself.

But in all honesty, I think the TV may be the Anti-Christ.

Think about it, TV's are black (satanics love that color) boxes that sit in everyone's home, sometimes in every room (like your conscience.) Their very presence is magnetic; they look like big black magnets. I dare you to walk into any room and not notice the television first. They are like a scantily clad single mother at an Easter church service. Seductive! No decent hard-working American, even knows how a television set actually works.

How do those tiny people fit in those little scenes? How are we sure our television sets aren't watching us? We aren't. We aren't even certain that these "inventions" aren't the products of evil lawn gnomes plotting to hijack our imaginations while they plan a new Astroturf world.

Some days, if you listen closely enough, you can hear your television silently begging you to turn it on, to give it some attention. You know the voice, it sounds like, "Come on Steve Baby, turn me on! Watch me, I'll entertain you! I'm not like your wife. I won't bore you with emotions or nag you about the unpaid water bill." Like a delicious sinful apple, you know you shouldn't turn the television on. You know its bad for you. You know it will suck you in and steal every moment of your pressure-filled, unsatisfying life. Yet you turn it on anyways and chances are, you are glad that you did.

Brother, That is what makes the television a sin. Sinning by nature, is totally fun and awesome. You will never regret having sex, or doing smack, or stealing your neighbor's wife and selling her on the black market and you will never regret watching that eleventh straight hour of Ghost Hunters. But does that mean it is right? Does that mean it is bettering the planet? I don't remember anyone finding a cure for AIDS while watching Melrose Place. I do however, remember one of my favorite Melrose Place characters Matt, contracting AIDS which made me not only aware of the disease, but inspired real compassion in me for the cause. I even donated five dollars in a bucket outside a Ralphs in 2005. Which inevitbly made me five dollars poorer and didn't bring his character back to life like I had so naively believed.

Just think of what you look like watching TV. You sit there, curtains drawn, mouth all a-gape, flipping through channel after channel of people's lives that aren't your own, wishing you had a limo full of Kardashians feeding you grapes or a "best friend" like Oprah's Gale buying you strap-on toys.

However, to the neighborhood Peeping-Tom peering through your window, you just look like a dumpy, ineffective loser, slobbering in the dark at a box of flashing light, brainwashed by the manipulations of a demonic robot, who seduces you with sexy images of the new Taco Bell Beefy Crunch Burrito.

According to Estheisians 15:17 "That is exactly what Adam looked like to God, when he ate that apple while ogling Eve's boobies."

Televisions like Satan, don't want us to do bad, they just don't want us to do good. They want to beat God at his own game. If they can keep you in a catatonic, invalid state, Mountain Dew dripping out of your mouth as you laugh at a child getting hit in the nuts on American Funniest Home Videos, then you can't be out doing God's work.

Converting Muslims to Mormonism.

Did you know you are actually in the same psychological state as when you are in coma, when you are watching television? The images are so relaxing your brain shuts off from judging data as relevant and instead it just lets the data stream in unprotected, going straight into our unconscious and thus shaping our beliefs and perceptions of the world entirely.

We have to be more perceptive to the truth! Or else who is going to blindly elect or presidents and unintentionally fight our wars?

Anyways, don't trust your television sets. They aren't the friendly neighborhood grannies they would have you believe they are. The cookies they entice you with, aren't real, and if you fall into the temptation, you will be left with an empty, gnawing feeling in your stomach and a mouth full of electrical circuits and high voltage plastic.

Which oddly enough are the mystery ingredients in Taco Bell's new Beefy Crunch Burrito.


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