Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Ralph Waldo Emerson Killed Lincoln After Gay Love Affair

Okay none of that is true, and I am too drunk to accurately justify the timeframes of such a provocative accusation.

---This is my brain washing mentor, Ralph Waldo Emerson. He said some pretty great quotes in his life. I play them on repeat on my walkman for three hours nightly, as a I march in place in a minuteman uniform.

RALPH F'ING RULED!!!! But I am pretty sure he would NOT be famous today, as Hallmark cards and Facebook statuses are way eazyur tuh read.

Here are some awesome things you didn't know about Ralph:

1. He was super gay. His diaries are full of lustings after a dude, which he then goes back and scratches out, out of remorse. History says Thoreau's cabin probably bunked two. I should know, I slept with them both...their coffins also bunked two. Me, and their sexy ass bones.

2. He had an aunt named Mary Moody who had her bed made to look like a coffin so she would wake up everyday remembering she would one day die. He also had an uncle named P.M.S. who had a bow-tie made out of soiled tampons that attracted hungry stray cats.

 3. Transcendentalists created the first hippy commune. It failed as the men were lazy and left the women to run the whole farm in the winter...and the women almost starved to death. Ralph however, declined the offer to live the kumbaya life, citing, "Fuck that, I ain't no hippy bitch. I got coins, a wallpapered colonial home, and a boyfriend with mutton chops. Communes are for pussaaaays."

Ralph makes my life so happy, I would die for it.

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