Monday, December 8, 2014

Louis C.K. I Love You - A Louis Love Letter

Dear Louis C.K.,

I love you. 

I know you don't really believe in marriage anymore, but in a metaphorical-non-legally-binding-no-expectations kinda way, I want to marry you. 

Top Ten Reasons I love you Louis C.K....

1.  The gentle glow of your balding ginger head seems to beg me for smooches and pats. The carrying out of which would fulfill my maternal instincts in alluring new ways. 

2. Your resigned attitude on life. Reality made you work for so long before rewarding you. Along the way it seems like you detached your Self from all hope, emotions and long-lasting narratives of meaning...much like the great Buddah. I find your feelings of meaninglessness very transcendental, and your wisdom, well, grrrrowwwl.

3. You are the perfect amount of fat.

4. The consistency of your wardrobe makes me feel emotionally secure.

5. Shall I compare the cadence of your masculine voice to the sweetness of a Mozart symphony? And yet, its good humor rivals the french cacophony of Karl Lagerfeld's trademark slur. The paradox of which, is a divine pleasure to my heart and mind.

6. You have this twinkle in your kind eyes that connects me to the sublime consciousness. Even when your mouth is talking about rape, and slave-ownership, somehow, I trust your spirit is shouting LOVE

7. I could imagine you taking in a homeless whore off the streets like Van Gogh, and warming her soul and mind with the generosity of non-judgmental spirit. For some reason, that gets me viscerally excited. 

8. You are a maverick. You are revolutionizing the business of comedy through your innovative takes on c.d. sales and live shows. You are like that primordial hunter in the tribe that discovered how to run bison off of cliffs for an easier kill. 

9. Sex with you would be sensory. Sweat, pudge, donut residue...Anthony Bourdain's pallat would weep with envy. 

Reasons to Love Heather Rushworth

There are many benefits to marrying me.

TOP REASON: I am 26 and in my sexual prime which is needless to say... fun to be around. My womb emits glorious good feeling energy around the clock in the hopes of getting men to fornicate with it. I don't really know if wombs have hopes and dreams, but if they did, mine would want to get close to you. 

2. I am college educated and have six thousand dollars in student loans you could help me out with.

3. We have the same skin coloring. You wouldn't feel pressured to sunbathe in Barbados with me.

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